Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
