I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
