I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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