Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
