I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
