I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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