if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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