who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
