My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize