im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
