i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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