Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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