I hate all girls vehemently.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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