She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
