dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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