Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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