i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
