smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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