just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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