The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
