Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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