I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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