I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
my poor anus
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
