I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
