Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You had me at "let me see your balls"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
