i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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