I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
