shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
