turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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