I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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