I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
