Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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