Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
