my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
