How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
