One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
