why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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