let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
