Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
