If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
