yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
