She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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