I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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