$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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