Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
