Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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