Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize