ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
