I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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