omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
