Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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