I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize