I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize