Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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