Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
