I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
