god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
