it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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